Week 7 Praemium Terribilis

“You should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.”

- Willy Wonka, himself quoting "The Microbe" by Hilarie Belloc.

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Mr. Wonka thus sums the college football season quite admirably, as with USF’s loss last night we now have eleven teams ranked in the top ten sometime this season losing to unranked opponents.

The “gee-whiz” observer of college football might note that as an exciting state of unpredictability and upset. I note it as proof positive that polls and conventional opinion are total, utter rubbish. It’s as if some ancient mariner, convinced the world is flat, expresses shock when his ship fails to fall off the edge of the world. It wasn’t the world that was wrong – it was his conception of it.

With that, we introduce this week’s Suckies -

Cumberland Award – named in honor of the Cumberland team that took a 220-0 thrashing at the hands of Georgia Tech in 1916, this award honors the team that took the soundest beating of national significance in the past week.

Week 7 Winner – Central Florida

Sure, UCF might not itself be of “national significance”, but the beating that propelled USF to 2nd in the BCS (however briefly) was. The Golden Knights of Central Florida, close losers to Texas in week 2, get thoroughly gored by the Bulls 64-12. And it wasn’t even that close. USF had 543 yards of total offense to UCF’s 145.

Of course, the game will go down as a win on George O’Leary’s resume (h/t Henry)

Honorable Mentions – Washington State (53-7 loss to Oregon)

Ron Zook Award – For the coach who is “always getting better," even if that betterment is not discernable to the rest of us.

Week 7 Winner – Illinois’ Ron Zook

The award comes home. Brief media darling Illinois (and haven’t all the darlings been brief this year?) loses 10-6 to 2-4 Iowa, itself a loser of 8 consecutive Big Ten games. Zook was at his Zookian best, accepting two separate penalties that would have forced Iowa 4th downs. The results? A touchdown and a prolonged clock- eating drive in crunch time.

Honorable Mention – FSU’s entire overpaid, over-the-hill coaching staff. This staff has so many geniuses, it’s obtuse!

Ron Powlus Award – Goes to the nationally anointed one and presumptive Heisman candidate that didn’t quite live up to his hype during the past week.

Week 7 Winner – Arkansas’ Darren McFadden

Arkansas drops to 0-3 in the SEC in their 9-7 loss to Auburn, and for the first time all season McFadden doesn’t reach the 100 yard mark. In fact, he doesn’t even get half of that, being held 43 yards on 17 attempts. That’s 2.5 yards per attempt for the mathematically challenged, very un-Heisman like numbers indeed.

Honorable Mention – None

Prairie View Award – given each week to the specific squad (offense, defense, special teams or otherwise) that distinguishes itself for pure, unadulterated suckiness. The award is named in honor of the Prairie View Panther team that lost a college football record 80 consecutive games during the 1990’s.

Week 7 Winner – Notre Dame’s Offense

We might just park this award here for the rest of the season. “Offensive” genius Charlie Weis manages 222 yards against a Boston College team that averages 324 yards surrendered per game. Notre Dame is now ranked dead last in Division I-A in total offense at – ahem – 191 yards a game, THE ONLY TEAM IN FOOTBALL with less than 200 yards per contest offensively.

To put in perspective how miserable this is, look at the worst 10 teams offensively, Weis’ company at the bottom (and their yards per game)–

110 Mississippi St. 301.29
111 Duke 299.29
112 Virginia Tech 298.86
113 Akron 288.57
114 Eastern Mich. 288
115 Army 285.57
116 Syracuse 262.14
117 Utah St. 260.83
118 Florida Int'l 211.67
119 Notre Dame 190.86

The Irish are an incredible 110 yards worse per game than the 110th ranked team in Mississippi State! They are 25 yards worse than 2006’s poorest offense, Temple (216 ypg). This isn’t just the worst offense we have seen this year, this might the worst of the decade. That sort of record usually doesn’t get you called a genius.

How’s that 10 year contract starting to taste Notre Dame?

The Blue Award – Named after September 1, 2007, the date “everything changed”, this award commemorates the team that overcame enormous odds to their undying detriment, thus losing to a team that they ought to have easily handled.

Week 7 Winner – California

I don’t like to be the “told ya” sort, but

“TOLD YA”


Honorable Mentions – LSU

The Roy Riegels Award – Named in memory of Cal Bear Roy “Wrong Way” Riegels who while playing in the 1929 Rose Bowl picked up a Georgia Tech fumble and ran for 65 yards – the wrong direction, costing his team the game. This award honors the college football player who committed a blunder of such enormity that it perhaps single-handedly cost his team the game.

Week 7 Winner – Cal’s Kevin Riley.

It pains me a bit to give this to the freshman Riley, as it was his stellar play before one of the largest brain freezes in college history that permitted his now to be immortal gaffe to occur. But, down 3 points with no timeouts in easy field goal range, YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE FREAKIN’ BALL!!!!!

It was the type of play that may confer permanent bone-head status, a veritable Buckner.

Congratulations to this weeks winners! As it was once said, it is better that they are talking about you than totally ignoring you, and believe me, we are talking. See you next week!