Thursday, September 06, 2007

Week One Praemium Terribilis

Can this save Booty's Heisman Campaign?

Here at Saurian Sagacity we take a different view of the college football world. Rather than merely celebrate the achievements and success of student athletes, coaches and teams, we also celebrate the terrible. We figure that innumerable accolades are bestowed by the sports media already – so why add to it? Here, we would rather celebrate suckiness.

So, for our inaugural Praemium Terribilis (Terrible Awards in something resembling Latin, or the “Suckies” as they are also known), we have the following categories and winners

Cumberland Award – named in honor of the Cumberland team that took a 220-0 thrashing at the hands of Georgia Tech in 1916, this award honors the team that took the soundest beating of national significance in the past week.

Week One Winner – Notre Dame.

Not only did the Irish lose at home 33-3 to The Ramblin’ Wreck, their worst home opening loss EVER, they managed only a pitiful 122 yards of total offense, including negative 8 yards rushing. The game wasn’t even a close as the 30 point differential would indicate. Can anyone say “Ty Winningham” (or “Bob Davie”, for that matter)?

Honorable Mention – Florida State (Just look at our brand new, high-priced-deer-in-the-headlights coaches!)

Ron Zook Award – For the coach who is “always getting better," even if that betterment is not discernable to the rest of us.

Week One Winner – Lloyd Carr

Regardless of how arguably talented Appalachian State might be, they are still a Division I-AA (or whatever) team, with far fewer scholarships than mighty Michigan. There is simply no way a team like the Mountaineers could/would/should ever defeat the Wolverines, especially at the Big House. With websites like this cropping up everyday, time may be short for the man out coached by the legendary Jerry Moore.

Honorable Mention – Charlie “this is not a rebuilding year” Weis

Ron Powlus Award – Goes to the nationally anointed one and presumptive Heisman candidate that didn’t quite live up to his hype during the past week.

Week One Winner – John David Booty.

Sure, Booty’s performance wasn’t that terrible, with 206 yards, 3 touchdown’s and 1 interception. But this was against Idaho. And with Darren McFadden, Steve Slayton, Brian Brohm and Colt Brennan having huge first weeks in their “stat” games, Booty is one step behind if the is going to grab that Downtown Athletic Club trophy. But, perhaps this can help.

Honorable Mention – None this week

Prairie View Award – given each week to the specific squad (offense, defense, special teams or otherwise) that distinguishes itself for pure, unadulterated suckiness. The award is named in honor of the Prairie View Panther team that lost a college football record 80 consecutive games during the 1990’s.

Week One Winner – Florida State’s Offensive Line.

They are leaner (Rick Trickett had them lose weight to increase speed), but no meaner. FSU’s offensive line ranged from inept to hilariously out-of-place Monday night with incorrect snap-counts, false starts and general lack of anyone standing in the way of oncoming rusher problems. Several times ball carriers were swarmed by teams of orange clad Tigers at or even before the time of handoff.

Can Drew Weatherford lead the new FSU offense? Who the hell knows if no one blocks for him?

Honorable Mentions – Tennessee’s Punt Team (Hey, how about NOT kicking to the best punt returner in the game?) and Notre Dame’s O-Line.

The Blue Award – Named after September 1, 2007, the date “everything changed”, this award commemorates the team that overcame enormous odds to their undying detriment, thus losing to a team that they ought to have easily handled.

Week One Winner – Michigan.

Who else could it be, as this newly minted award is named for the very event that took place? Further recitation of the ugly facts is unnecessary, and perhaps even cruel.

Congratulations, along with shame and humiliation, to all this week's winnners.

Stay tuned for next week’s “Suckies”


Gator Duck said...

ROFLMAO! Brilliant, Mergz. Love the Suckies!

Trader Rick said...

Keep 'em coming!!

LeftLeaningLady said...

I love the Ron Zook award. I tried to support that man, but the "we're a good team, we're getting better every week, we'll be better next week" made me want to scream!

Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

The Ron Zook award is original - love that one too! No one other than King Kliche deserves that dubious honor; after all when a team makes a mistake "it is correctable and they're getting better and better".

Keep the Suckies coming, y'all!