Week 5 Praemium Terribilis

So many great nobles, things, administrations,

So many high chieftains, so many brave nations,

So many proud princes, and powers so splendid,

In a moment, a twinkling, all utterly ended.

- Abraham Coles

So it was. The fifth week of college football action saw terrible brought to epochal heights, as highly ranked teams fell like limp wheat to the scythes of the downtrodden nationwide. There was so much suckiness to go around that individual awards will be challenging.

But here at Saurian Sagacity we are not deterred. Moreover, as aficionados of a team that bathed in the Great Pool of Suckie itself, we may just be experts.


Cumberland Award – named in honor of the Cumberland team that took a 220-0 thrashing at the hands of Georgia Tech in 1916, this award honors the team that took the soundest beating of national significance in the past week.

Week 5 Winner – Texas

If “The eyes of Texas are upon you”, then those same eyes must be tearing up in shame. Texas didn’t merely lose to Kansas State – they got barbequed 41-21. Sure, the stats (272 yards for KSU to 330 for UT) indicate a more competitive game, but Texas’ 4 interceptions gave the Wildcats the short field necessary to apply the Sweet Baby Rays. Bevo is mmmmm, mmmmm good.

Honorable Mention - Stanford

Ron Zook Award – For the coach who is “always getting better," even if that betterment is not discernable to the rest of us.

Week 5 Winner – West Virginia’s Rich Rodriguez

An entire year to prepare to erase that shame of the year before, yet Rodriquez’s boys show up lame and limp against South Florida. The vaunted WVU spread offense was not so vaunted, as the Mountaineers score only 13 points amid 6 turnovers. Having an entire year to avenge a stunning loss and failing? What an unimaginable disgrace….wait, nevermind.

Ron Powlus Award – Goes to the nationally anointed one and presumptive Heisman candidate that didn’t quite live up to his hype during the past week.

Week 5 Winner – West Virginia’s Pat White

Sure a hit in the second quarter took White off the field in WVU’s 2nd consecutive loss to the Raging Bulls of South Florida. The TV cameras caught countless shots of a seemingly healthy White standing on the sidelines as he watched the Mountaineers hopes of any significant post season achievements fade in the Tampa sky. White’s day? A very un-heisman like 100 yards, with no TD’s and 1 interception.

Honorable Mention – West Virginia’s Steve Slayton (53 yards rushing in same loss).


Prairie View Award – given each week to the specific squad (offense, defense, special teams or otherwise) that distinguishes itself for pure, unadulterated suckiness. The award is named in honor of the Prairie View Panther team that lost a college football record 80 consecutive games during the 1990’s.

Week 5 Winner - Clemson’s Special Teams

Let’s see. In facing 2 loss Georgia Tech, Clemson missed not one, not two, not three but four field goals. Oh, and there was that little matter of a blocked punt too. The blocked punt led to Georgia Techs one and only touchdown when Tech got the ball at Clemson’s 8 yard line.

Final Score Georgia Tech 13 – Clemson 3

Let’s do a little math – Tech gets 7 points on the blocked kick, and Clemson misses 12 points in field goals. Can you say 19 point swing? Making the field goals alone would have been good enough for the win.

The Blue Award – Named after September 1, 2007, the date “everything changed”, this award commemorates the team that overcame enormous odds to their undying detriment, thus losing to a team that they ought to have easily handled.

Week 5 Winner – Florida.

Florida was an 18 point favorite. In the Swamp. Where Urban Meyer had never lost. And it was a freakin’ REVENGE game for the love of everything that is holy.

Florida allowed Auburn to rush for 99 critical, clock eating yards, and allowed Brandon Cox to throw for 227 yards. In Auburn’s home loss to Mississippi State they had 107 yards passing, scoring 14 points. In Auburn’s home loss to South Florida Cox had 165 yards passing. Auburn only had 193 yards passing in the WIN AGAINST New Mexico State. Yet, against Florida’s doughy soft pass defense the Dread Road Cox had his best game of the year.

In the Swamp. Where Urban Meyer had never lost.

Honorable Mentions – Oklahoma (who at least was road-kill), West Virginia (ditto)

The Roy Riegels Award – Named in memory of Cal Bear Roy “Wrong Way” Riegels who while playing in the 1929 Rose Bowl picked up a Georgia Tech fumble and ran for 65 yards – the wrong direction, costing his team the game. This award honors the college football player who committed a blunder of such enormity that it perhaps single-handedly cost his team the game.

Week 5 Winner – Oregon’s Cameron Colvin.

“Dixon is going to throw to me. Just run the route, and keep your eye on the ball. We score here and it goes overtime. Here it comes. Got it! Now, just make it to the goal line. The pylons are so close. We are going to be going to overtime! I’m going get so much sweet loving tonight! Just reach for the pylon….what the hell was that! The ball! Oh shit…”


Tons of love and kisses to our BFF’s in this edition of the Suckies. May the LSU Tigers reside in all categories come Sunday morning.