Friday, May 25, 2007

Of Red Trousers and Mop Tops

Ah, the long days of summer. Though we bask in the second consecutive national title for Florida basketball, and the still warm glow of Florida football’s humiliating dismantling of Ohio State for the “national title”, what is there really to do at this time of year.

Watch golf? Watch baseball? Watch the endless NBA playoffs?


Let’s just make fun of Georgia.

Sure, Florida has beaten Georgia for the past two decades like a Tijuana rental car on a stolen credit card, a time span over which only Vanderbilt and Kentucky have worse SEC records against Florida. When it comes being owned, Ohio State is just a buckeye-come-lately in comparison to the “paid in full” ownership claim Florida presently has on Georgia.

As someone who has now attended 21 consecutive “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Parties” (no censorship here), there is one area where Georgia has done a superior job to Florida.

Pre-game smack talk.

One might expect this to be the case, as when your team can’t get it done on the field, creative retort is the only avenue left for self esteem.

What I am referring to is the well coordinated – and admittedly successful – effort of Bulldog nation to characterize Gator fans as having two identifying, and admittedly potentially mortifying, proclivities.

We wear jean shorts.

We have mullet cuts.

Personally, I have never done either. And, with some sense of shared responsibility, I have to admit to my personal horror of seeing actual Gator fans wearing jean shorts.

I have actually told them to stop, for the sake of us all. Jean shorts are never acceptable on a man.

However, we Gator fans are not the only offenders here. I have seen numerous Bulldog fans in jean shorts – “jorts” if you will – before.

"Jorts" - Not Just for Gator Fans!

As for mullet cuts, to the extent I have seen any recently, I can’t say it is something Gator fans are particular too.

In the case of “jort” wearers of either Gator or Bulldog loyalty, I have noticed that the vast majority seem to be non-student types, whether alumni or just fans.

However, there are two perpetual fashion faux pas I seen Bulldog students commit over and over on an annual basis. Offenses that, either collectively or individually, are far more egregious than either an occasion “jort” or mystery mullet.

It is time someone called out the student body of Athens on these offenses.

I’m taking about Red Trousers and Mop Tops.

First the Red Trousers

Let me state this straight out - full length Red Trousers are a fashion travesty of the first order.

Know how I know you're gay? Could be the pants.

Red pants. OK on her. Not so good on you dude.

In my vast Florida-Georgia experience, I have seen countless otherwise normal appearing UGA students wearing trousers that, besides Georgia games, appear only on the withered legs of musty old men in bygone country club settings.

Or, perhaps, on the legs are participants in your typical Key West rainbow parade. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I remember the first time I saw some Georgia student wearing them. I couldn’t help but think back to that 1980’s Loverboy album “Get Lucky”.

If that is the look you are going for Georgia fan - mission accomplished.
On to Mop Tops

Georgia fans must have embraced BeetleMania in 1960’s Athens. So much so in fact that they have never seen the need for another hairstyle since. I clearly recall seeing Georgia students in the 1980’s with their brushed forward mop top do’s and thinking “Well, they are only about 20 years behind the style curve”.

Twenty years later, the song remains the same.

Small, I know. But you can still see that sweet mop action (as in the pants photo above)

Maybe it is all some Athens tradition kept secret from the outside world. Perhaps all the Georgia mothers have an appointed day where they dutifully drive to Athens, soup dish in hand, to give their sonny-boys good old fashion bowl cuts in some mother-son bonding experience.

Or perhaps in Athens combs and hairbrushes are simply unknown. One imagines instruction cards in UGA dorms with -

1. Wet head
2. Place “G” cap on
3. Let dry
4. Remove
5. Repeat weekly

Whatever the cause, a bit of advice to our Bulldog friends.

The Mop Top is wayyyyyy out of style. You don’t just look like dorks, you look like a little boy who just got his first haircut.

(Maybe there IS something to that mother-son bonding thing)

So, as a form of public service to all, I am encouraging Gator fans to assist our northern SEC brethren this next Florida-Georgia game with both verbal and printed assistance when it comes to the matters of Red Trousers and Mop Tops.

“Your grandpa give you those slick pants?”

“Your momma cut that hair?”

In the end, they’ll be better for it.


Anonymous said...

Mergz, as you know, you have to go to war with the red pants you have, not the pants color you want...

Mergz said...

senator blutarsky,

Between you and me, I have seen an occasional orange clad pants Gator fan. Makes the red look pretty good.

I hoping it doesn't catch on.

Robes said...

These popular Georgia hairdos are commonly known as Bama Bangs.